


Espresso Patronum

by intern_dana



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, harry potter- fandom
Genre: BAMF Arthur, Crack, Gen, Humor, Ministry of Magic, Possession, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-19 23:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1488295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intern_dana/pseuds/intern_dana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you were to walk by Madame Malkin’s Robes for all Occasions and Eeylops Owl Emporium, nine times out of ten you would miss the small café... or 'How to get a cheap exorcism with the economy being what it is'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Espresso Patronum

If you were to walk by Madame Malkin’s Robes for all Occasions and Eeylops Owl Emporium, nine times out of ten you would miss the small café squashed between two of the most frequented establishments in Diagon Alley. On the off chance you were one of the select few who graced the café with your acknowledgment of its existence you would see a patio shadowed by a bright yellow awning and the few tables underneath littered by those perceptive shoppers who espied a rejuvenating oasis in the bustling commerce of the Alley. A sign, denoting the name of this café cheerily reads: “CAFÉ FANTASMA Tea-Coffee-Baked Goods-Exorcisms”

For Arthur Weasley, getting possessed was just another side effect of the job. The Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office was often called out to site operations or damage control. For all of his age and job as a governmental bureaucrat, Arthur managed an impressively active life style protecting the wizarding world from any muggle with eyes. Alas! This sometimes lead to sticky situations which he would never hear the end of if he brought it home to Molly and the kids. For instance, malevolent intent inhabiting a teapot in an antiques stall in Covent Garden could easily result, when being provoked by a strung-out wizard, in inhabiting said wizard. Facing down the teapot, Arthur was suspicious after his counter hexes worked a little too easily and knew he was in trouble the second he started craving mass chaos and feeling an acute affinity towards chamomile. 

If you ever find yourself the unwilling recipient of a possession, and if we are honest, that’s most of us, there are really only several things one can do. You could embrace the possession, not recommended. You could register for an exorcism at St Mungo’s, but the wait lists are long and insurance doesn’t cover malevolent spirits. You could attempt self excorcism, again, not recommended. Or you could stop by Café Fantasma and order an exorpresso for the equitable price of one galleon, fourty-nine sickles plus tax. Arthur, not his first time around the possession block, knows just where to go. 

“The usual Arthur?” A witch behind the counter asks, not missing a beat between pouring tea and wrapping scones for an elderly gent at the counter. “It’ll be a moment and I’ll be right with you”

“If you don’t mind…” He replies, fighting the urge to simultaneously sit on tea trays or surround himself with biscuits, and knock over the offending…well, everything. He might be possessed by a teapot but damn it! He was an evil teapot and woe betide anyone who- Arthur cuts off this train of thought, stiffly sitting on the edge of a chair and focusing on the fact that he is Arthur Weasley, husband of Molly Weasley, father of seven and NOT a teapot. 

The witch leaves the counter and comes over to Arthur’s table. She ties her hair back and rolls up her sleeves. Pulling a wand out she clearly enunciates “ESPRESSO PATRONUM” and a jet of silver flows out of the wand solidifying and forming into an impeccably clean and slightly glowing espresso machine. From her apron pockets, she pulls out an intricate silver espresso cup and places it under the filter. Flicking a switch the machine gurgles and silvery liquid smelling strongly of coffee and happiness drips from the affixed filter. 

“There ya go Love, one excorpresso” She leaves to go to the till and the espresso machine dissipates into the ether. 

Arthur is left alone with his espresso, the liquid shining patronus silver and smelling strongly of coffee beans and early mornings. Allowing himself to relax a bit he sips his drink and with each sip the urges to watch the world burn as he stews in a bath of tannins and tea leaves dissipates. By the time he knocks back the dregs of the drink he feels distinctly Arthur again. The exorpresso has purified him from the inside out. Time to go home, he decides, he will have time to fill out the case paperwork tonight as he will indubitably be unable to sleep from his afternoon caffeine fix.

“One exorcism and a bear claw to go!” The witch says, passing a bag over the counter to Arthur as he goes to pay. “Its on the house this time Love. See you next week.”

**Author's Note:**

> You dont even know what crack went into this fic.  
> In case you do, it involves semantic error, cognitive dissonance, and a lot of caffeine which is holistically my fault. Basically I talk to myself and can't for english properly which leads to... odd pronounciations of words which sound like spells. Don't ask.  
> Message me if you want to collaborate. Or talk. Or listen. Again. VANILLA ICE. Wow. its a theme yea?


End file.
